Silence in Our Journals
by Nan Fischer

"Going through changes: A major source of courage for me is that what is behind me is more scary than what is in front of me." CJ MacLeod

*

Monday 2/12/01

I've been in a silent period, and having my coffee this morning and not writing, I figured out why.

Over the last couple of months, I've gotten up in the morning, made the coffee and been restless. I couldn't sit and write at the kitchen table, which has been a ritual for years. I either paced, sat by the fire, sat in the comfy living room chair, or stood by the coffee pot waiting for its treasure. Sometimes I did all of that! My mind was noisy, my heart in disarray, my spirit in need of... change. But I didn't realize it until just now.

This morning, I had a dream that someone died. I always know when people are going to die - I sense it, or the person comes and infiltrates my thoughts. But this morning, I don't feel as though someone has died.

Death in a dream signifies change - death of a part of you. When one part dies, there is room for something new to take its place. The silence in my journal has been that quiet place where I know I am getting ready to leave old behavior or patterns behind, but I'm not quite sure what will take its place. There is a void. It is the time in the garden when you have cleaned and prepared it, but sown no seed.

This morning I got the gold from Mr. Coffee, and looked at the kitchen table. I didn't sit in "my" chair. It resisted me. I swore I heard it scream at me to please sit somewhere else. So I did. I sat at the end of the table. At that moment, I realized I need change, something new.

The view from "my" chair is of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains to the southeast, their pinon covered slopes misty in the morning. Through a canyon, the winter sun shoots a beam of light that wakes up the valley. It's breathtaking, every day. The first morning I had coffee here, just two years ago, I told myself I never wanted to lose the feeling of freshness and newness and the potential for living this view gave me.

The view to the right from this other chair is of the living room. That doesn't sound very exciting, but seasonal change is in progress. The sun, on its annual journey back north, is coming in the northeast window now, flooding the room with the promise of spring.

The view to the left is out the big southwest window. The fenced front yard has a cozy feel to it, being a small area. There are a couple of middle-age pinons, the remnants of the woodpile, and stalks of last summer's hollyhocks feeding the winter birds. It's a stark contrast to my wide open view of the mountains. My perspective of my surroundings has changed.

I've been in a quandary the last few weeks about my life, unsure of what it is, why it is, who it is. As I take advantage of this short-day down time, I am figuring it out piece by piece, like a puzzle. I now see what needs to change. Part of me has died. I sat in the void for a while, but now it's time for something new to take its place. I'm ready for what's ahead, but I need to create it. It's time to plant. This is growth.

Embrace silent periods in your journal or your life. There is too much pressure on us to continually perform. Our jobs, families and other responsibilities keep us busier than is healthy, physically, mentally and spiritually. We need to stop and assimilate to freshen our perspectives, change and grow. That silent void will produce more results than a flurry of activity.

Our lives go in cycles, like seasons. There are periods of awareness and preparation, new growth, bountiful harvest, and reflective dormancy. Enjoy those cycles, immerse yourself in them, take advantage of what they have to offer. We are not static. We need to vary reading with writing, learning with assimilating, hibernating with socializing. Don't be afraid of the natural changes we embody. Draw them into your life and let them work for you.

And pay attention to your dreams....

~~~

The opening quote comes from CJ MacLeod, a local artist, writer, and friend of mine. She paints incredible landscapes, runs a couple of weekly writing groups, and puts out an oh-so-inspirational newsletter for us creative types. When I read it, I just want to find a cabin in the mountains with no neighbors and produce the most creative writing I can. Nothing inspires me more! The title of a recent newsletter is 'Fear Reduces Energy'. Nuf said?! Subscribe to The Black Ruby Toolbox News by writing CJ at powerfool@excite.com or by visiting the Toolbox site!

*

article index  

home